FYI, this is a longer post and no tl;dr.

I’ve been thinking about the phrase ‘Trust Your Gut” lately. You’ve heard “trust your gut,” or that “your first response is usually correct,” and there are many many times when that is true. Trusting your gut is equivalent to paying attention to how you feel about a situation.

Now, before we go further, none of what I am about to share applies to physical danger, but this is a business blog.

So there is one very important caveat you should understand before you rely on your gut. It is simply this: your feeling, or gut is filtered through your past experiences and the rewards or consequences you received. In other words, the positive and negative results you received in the past created your gut responses. And most importantly, your gut response wants to protect you.

So don’t always immediately go with your gut. Challenge your initial reaction. Why are you hesitating? Or conversely, why aren’t you hesitating? Take a moment to examine why you are about to respond the way you are. If you keep saying “because it feels right,” you are actually justifying, not examining. Perhaps share the decision with someone else, who is not a stakeholder in the decision, to get his or her perspective. Once you believe you are on fairly even footing and you are not making a purely reactionary decision, you can look at the actual merits of the situation.

Over time, as your gut reaction proves accurate, absolutely trust that gut reaction!

Here’s a way to understand that gut reaction and make it better that I took from my forthcoming book.

Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that you objectively examined the merits of the opportunity and you believe it would be a good thing for your business. Yet you keep putting it off. You can’t quite “pull the trigger.” Well, guess what? You have to go back to understanding why you’re struggling.

Try this exercise: Focus on the hesitation and fear you are feeling. Spend a minute or two, Not thinking about the situation itself, but the emotions you are having around it. Ask yourself, “What other times have I felt this feeling?” It doesn’t have to be about this type of decision at all. Simply, when has my stomach been in knots like this? When have I “known” I should do something and have held back? What was the situation then? Next, think of another one, that happened when you were younger. What was going on then? The physical, mental and emotional responses should be the same (or very close), but the situation is entirely unrelated. It may not even be about a decision. Now, try to remember the youngest age you ever felt this way. Describe that experience as accurately as you can. Feel what you felt then. Stick with it as the emotions wash over you. Feel it fully again while knowing it is not actually happening. Typically, the emotions will wax and wane. Try not to let it go to quickly. If, for some reason, you start to panic or feel out of control of the situation, stop and let things settle. Those reactions typically indicate a deeper, unresolved issue that may require specialized assistance. This does not mean you are mentally ill, just that your ability to self-heal is currently impaired.

Once you have gone as far back to the earliest time you can recall, it is time to start de-coupling the emotional response from the current situation. By de-coupling, I don’t mean that you have no emotions involved in your decision making. What de-coupling means is that your emotions from the past are no longer overwhelming the current decision. “But Dr. Jeff,” you may say, “isn’t that part of learning from the past?” I would respond, “Absolutely, we need to learn from the past.” However, the magnitude of an emotional response of a 12 year old should not be influencing the decisions of a 25-70 year old.

The obvious question is how do we do that? How do we de-couple those reactions? One of the simplest ways is to remind ourselves that we are not 12 anymore (or whatever age we were at the time we are focused on). You are an adult. You are smarter, more experienced, and more capable than you were then. Recall what you were like at that age, what your life circumstances were, your home, your friends, your family. What were your priorities at that age? I would imagine they are quite different now. You’re doing ok, if not great. Listen, this doesn’t have to be a full blown therapy session, often simply reminding ourselves of these facts is enough. However, if you are recalling a traumatic event, you should strongly consider a professional.

A second way to de-couple is imagining the worst case scenario. What is the worst that can happen? You lose money? You go bankrupt? Will you die, lose your family? If it isn’t dying or losing your family, then what is the real worst case? Certainly, the worst case might be extremely bad, yet if you are still alive you have the opportunity to recover. Next, ask yourself what are the chances of the worst case actually happening? What is the real risk? Certainly it could happen, but is there an objective way to measure the risk? If not, then put a subjective measure on the worst case while still managing the emotions around the worst case scenario. Is it 10%, 30%, 50%? Yes, it will suck if it happens, but can you recover, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially? 99% of the time, the answer is yes.

Okay, so now review the benefits, the upside of the decision. What are the positives that could come out of this? What are the rewards of moving forward with this opportunity? Then, ask yourself how hard are you willing to work to minimize the risk and maximize the upside potential. And finally, always remember, if your decision is wrong, make a new decision. So often, we think this one decision is the last choice we will ever make. But that isn’t really the case, is it. By the time we get to the “major” decision, we have already made numerous smaller choices along the way which have led us to this big moment. And whatever we decide to do, there are as many, if not more choices we make as we implement that big choice. The bottom line is that we over estimate the weight of a single decision, and underestimate the strength or our daily choices. So, don’t get bogged down in the paralysis of analysis. Do your research, or due diligence, make sure you are free and clear of your old emotional baggage, make a choice and move forward.

Sometimes you need help examining the content of your gut, if so give me a call. You can spill your guts to me.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.drjeffvanmeter.com

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The post Toxic Leaders appeared first on THE HUMAN LEADER.

But he was by no means a perfect man. Biographies detail his philandering, his sexist attitude toward women and so forth. And he was a great leader.

And by no means is that rare. Churchill had a great temper, drank to excess most nights and was a brilliant leader during war time. Abraham Lincoln likely suffered clinical depression and led the country through civil war. John F. Kennedy was also a philanderer, a sexist and appears that he was a racist (especially if measured by today’s standards) and I could go on and on.

What’s my point?

First, you don’t have to be perfect to lead and if you wait until you are, you never will. Second, your failures can help you grow as a leader.

And third, don’t stop. Be a leader, warts and all.

If you want help dealing with your warts as a leader, give me a call. I got some wart remover.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

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Performance is, however, influencing. As I wrote last time, human to human interaction is quite often about influencing the other person. I’ll repeat part of that discussion here:

“Two friends getting together for coffee to catch up, someone sitting with a grieving spouse whose partner just died, a parent comforting their child during their first breakup, how do these situations involve influencing? …let me state it clearly. Two friends with coffee – don’t you do that to maintain or deepen the relationship? Isn’t there an unspoken agreement that we don’t want to feel isolated and alone, that we want to enjoy each other’s company, feel connected and increase our own and the other’s happiness or contentment with life? Sitting with a grieving spouse – do we not have an unspoken desire for them to feel comfort in our presence, to let them know they are not alone, that we are there for them as best we can in their time of grief? Your child’s first breakup – isn’t your desire as a parent also to comfort, to help them through it, to let them know you (and everyone else) has experienced this as well and they will get through it?”

Leading is nothing if not influencing. Again, from the previous post: “To be successful as a leader, you must be able to convince those that are following that your ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, vision, etcetera are the right ones to follow.”

So how do you do this without manipulating? In no specific order, the following guiding principles will help.

First is clarity. Clarity of concept, clarity of ideas, clarity of messaging, clarity of expectations, clarity of communication. Am I making myself clear (see what I did there)? You must be clear, both within yourself on what you are doing, why you are doing it, how you are going to do it and clear in all your communication with your staff of the same things. When you are clear, there is no manipulation, it is a mutual agreement with all involved that this is the direction we are heading, the “thing” we are doing and so forth.

Second is simplicity. If you want clarity, simplicity is vital. The more complicated the message, the more likely it is for confusion and misunderstanding to enter the picture. K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid (according to wikipedia, first used around 1960 by Kelly Johnson a naval engineer at Lockheed). While not the most flattering of sayings, it is a wonderful guiding principle many of us would do well to keep in mind when we are developing our grand plans.

Third is to understand your desired outcome or objective. By this, I mean not only your ultimate outcome you are looking for, such as increased performance or sales, but also what is the objective of each interaction you are having. What are you hoping for? What is the desired result of this specific conversation at this specific time? Are you needing this person to complete a specific task by a certain time? Or perhaps you want them to feel valued and part of the team? Those two outcomes are very different and require a different approach to the interaction, which brings us to the fourth and final point for this post.

Fourth, bring forth those parts of your personality that will most likely bring you the desired outcome you are looking for. In the two situations in the previous paragraph, you would want different aspects for each situation. If you need a report by noon so you can incorporate it into your presentation, you will want to communicate urgency and possibly some frustration with the person you need the information from. Conversely, if you are wanting to communicate that they are a valued part of the team, you would communicate empathy, caring and engagement with their situation. In both situations, you are influencing for the desired outcome you need to further the larger goals of a successful company or department.

And yes, sometimes you are trying to do both at the same time. And that is more difficult, mixed messages can occur and sometimes you have to get even more clear by spelling it out. “I want you to know you are a valuable part of this team, but I have to tell you, I am rather frustrated that you haven’t competed that report I asked for. I need it within the next hour.” Then later you can circle back to discuss the expectations, roadblocks and other impediments that person encountered in competing the assignment.

That is all for this post. If you want some assistance on how to do this, contact me one of the ways listed below.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

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“But wait,” you say, “you’re really talking about manipulating people into doing what you want them to do.” While you’re not entirely wrong, manipulating is a rather strong word, don’t you think? Convincing, influencing, or encouraging would be more accurate.

Now before you get on your high horse of moral superiority and outrage (I know you aren’t outraged, I’m talking about that other person over there), ask yourself this: What human to human interaction isn’t about influencing the other person? What? That is the so cynical! How can I possibly say that? Two friends getting together for coffee to catch up, someone sitting with a grieving spouse whose partner just died, a parent comforting their child during their first breakup, how do these situations involve influencing? Perhaps you already see where I am going with this, but let me state it clearly. Two friends with coffee – don’t you do that to maintain or deepen the relationship? Isn’t there an unspoken agreement that we don’t want to feel isolated and alone, that we want to enjoy each other’s company, feel connected and increase our own and the other’s happiness or contentment with life? Sitting with a grieving spouse – do we not have an unspoken desire for them to feel comfort in our presence, to let them know they are not alone, that we are there for them as best we can in their time of grief? Your child’s first breakup – isn’t your desire as a parent also to comfort, to help them through it, to let them know you (and everyone else) has experienced this as well and they will get through it?

Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this and our motives are usually for the other person’s well being. And we don’t consciously think about these things, nor do we need to. However, in all those situations, there is a type of influencing of the other person happening in order for them to feel something positive.

The point is that it is part of being human to connect, comfort and yes, influence. But this is not manipulation. Manipulation implies deception and no one is deceiving the other person. Again, it is an unspoken, yet understood agreement.

Leading is no different, because leading is influencing. To be successful as a leader, you must be able to convince those that are following that your ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, vision, etcetera are the right ones to follow.

Can this be manipulation? Absolutely, if there is deception, hidden agendas, or outright lies. And although it seems like that happens in leadership all the time, I don’t believe that is actually true. Manipulative or coercive types of leadership make the headlines, but I have faith that the majority of leaders are simply doing the best they know how to reach a dream or goal they truly believe in. I also believe that most leaders want the people they are leading to benefit as well when the dream is realized.

So how do we influence in positive ways? Next time my friend. Next time.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

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I shared that video with you because I want to discuss the idea of leaders being performers as well.

Often the first reaction to the idea of leaders being performers is that it is fake. Leaders should be authentic people say, so if they are performing then obviously they are being inauthentic. I have to admit that was also my reaction when I first heard this idea and I am certainly all about being authentic.

I came to understand that we often equate performing with “putting on a show” or a telling a lie of some sort. Granted, acting has it’s roots in wearing masks and makeup, constructing facades and false fronts and entertaining audiences with make-believe and stories. However that is only part of its history. Actors and performers also have a long history of being truth tellers. The court “jester,” for example was often the one that could disagree with the king or queen without being threatening. Masked in humor and silliness, the truth that needed to be told could be told. Now sometimes it wouldn’t work out so well for the jester, nevertheless, that was part of that role.

What we now call nursery rhymes were typically songs calling out a regime for its poor practices or ridiculous behavior toward the populace. Later, performances would also tell stories of injustice and oppression in an attempt to change the course of society. None of this was perfect of course. Jesters would be killed, people would not take the performance seriously or the message would be too hidden to be realized and so forth. Yet often the only way for a truth to be told was through story and stage, especially prior to the rights of free speech, press, and assembly.

Ironically, actors were not held in very high esteem. They were considered fops, farceurs, phonies and often scam artists. Nowadays, people uderstandably object to celebrities using their fame to promote their personal and political agendas, or conversely they will completely buy into that agenda just because the celebrity promotes it. I get that too. Just because you are famous or played a starring role in a movie, that doesn’t make you an expert on the current hot topic. At the same time, it doesn’t disqualify you from an opinion or the freedom to push for your agenda. The fault lies not in the individual, but in our predilection to equate fame with authority.

But I digress. The issue at hand is whether leaders should be performers. I think yes and here’s why.

Simply put, leaders are already performers as are all human beings, leader or not. The Ports address this in the video by stating, “performance isn’t fake behavior, performance is authentic behavior in a manufactured environment.” What does this mean? What is authentic behavior in a manufactured environment?

Essentially, the point is this. We find ourselves in manufactured environments all the time, with work being a primary example. What could be more manufactured than a 1000 foot structure divided into various sized cubes with desks (standing or sitting), computers, phones, and so forth. How very artificial. And on top of that there are rules, both written and understood, about how you behave in that environment. There is a hierarchy you must navigate, a foreign culture to learn, and you must learn how to fit somewhere in that. So, we assume roles and characteristics in order to survive, thrive and succeed in this artificial jungle.

“Aha,” you say, “there you have it, the roles and characteristics you assume are inauthentic.” Not so fast my young Padawan. Those roles and characteristics MIGHT be inauthentic, but they don’t HAVE to be.

Let’s go back to acting for a moment. Think about the best actors. There is a difference between the very best actors and even one level down. By this, I don’t mean level of fame, I mean quality of performance. The best actors play their parts not by imitating or pretending, but by “becoming” the character to such an extent that we don’t see the actor anymore, we only see the character they are portraying. We know this because they can play wildly different roles and the only resemblance is the physical features, not the character. Compare Tom Hanks in Castaway with Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Same actor, yet entirely different performances.

Contrast that to actors that seem to be playing the same character in every movie or production, just with a different name. They might do a great job, but there is little variation in the way the character is portrayed. The facial expressions, the emotional reactions, the interaction with the other characters, looks just like the last movie. I won’t name any famous actors for the second type, instead think of the typical high school actor, or that actor that plays action, then drama, then comedy, yet every character feels almost the same when you’re watching.

So, what makes the difference? Now I don’t know a lot about acting, but here is one thing I have learned. The best actors are self-aware. They understand their emotions, what triggers them, etc. When they are playing a character, they will bring forth certain parts of themselves that embody the primary facets of that character. Another thing I have learned is that the best actors always have an objective they are trying to reach. That objective could be something as simple as I need to cross the stage to engage that other character in conversation or something more complex such as my objective is to make the audience feel empathy for my character, who is the villain that just murdered an innocent bystander.

As a leader, both of these attributes are also important. Being more self-aware can allow you to not react to whatever (or whoever) might be pushing your buttons. You know what those buttons are and you can “act” unphased in the moment and respond appropriately. At other times, as the leader you need to project confidence in a crisis situation. Perhaps you are not feeling confident, but your team is not served by seeing you uncertainty in a time of crisis.

It is also important to have an objective you are seeking in your interactions. What are you trying to accomplish with this conversation or meeting? What do you need your team to do to help meet the goals (which could be termed super-objectives) of the company. Then, when you understand your objectives, you make choices in your behavior, your words, your actions, to accomplish those objectives.

My objective with this article, is to spread the word. So if you like it, send it to everyone you know.

My super-objective is to help you become the best leader you can. So if you want to learn more about leaders as performers, hit reply to this email or contact me at the number below.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

www.drjeffvanmeter.com

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I would like to introduce you to two people who have greatly influenced my growth and development as a speaker and coach in the past few years. Michael and Amy Port are dear friends and mentors and I think their Tedx message should to be seen by the widest possible audience. It runs about 18 minutes. They both exemplify the qualities of leaders that those in this community are so drawn to.

What they have done in their Tedx speech is ground breaking, not only for Ted type talks, but also for public speaking. I also find their concept of performing in every high stakes situation to be extremely applicable to leadership. After all, when we lead, we are leading toward a desired outcome. Influence and persuasion is a large part of that. Achieving your super-objective as a leader results in a win for the entire organization.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw3S07l6iUw&w=560&h=315]

If you want to understand more about performance in leading, set up a time for us to talk by calling or emailing below.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

www.drjeffvanmeter.com

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Somehow, this October became “See a doctor of the week” for me. Well actually, I know exactly how it happened. First, I put it off for months because I was busy. Which is true. My annual physical was supposed to be in February and I finally did that two weeks ago. I am no less busy and I somehow found a little time. Also, it’s October and our sizable deductible has been met by the annual mishaps of the family – concussions, broken legs, etc. etc.

Anyway, I digress. Today was the final appointment with the dermatologist. And it still stings. Have you ever had a dermatologist freeze your skin? She froze nine spots on my face. Nine!

I feel like Pinhead from HellRaiser. No wonder he was a bad guy. I’m feeling a little villainous myself. Full disclosure, I’ve never seen any of the HellRaiser series, but I can only imagine that all those nails are a tad bit uncomfortable.

I thought a lot about how to turn this into a leadership lesson, and there are a couple of lessons embedded in this little Halloween post.

First, sometimes a leader has to sting people. Whether you are a villain of a hero, the leader makes the hard choices that can cause others, or themselves, some pain. How many times have you wrestled with a decision, not because you unsure of what needed to be done, but because you knew some people would be hurt by your decision and you didn’t want to hurt anyone. Leadership demands the tough decision.

Which leads to reason number two: a little pain now will prevent serious issues later. My face was frozen to get rid of little areas that could turn into skin cancer if left untreated… maybe. But who wants to take that chance? So we also make the tough decision to try to prevent the bigger problem. That is our job, so we do it.

A short post today, but wanted everyone to think about that.

So if you need some help with those tough decisions, let me know. I’ve got the liquid nitrogen ready to help you with those spots you don’t see. It only hurts for a little bit.

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

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Whereas weeding involves getting rid of the entire plant, when you prune, you are usually trying to make the plant healthier and stronger.

You know those little bonsai trees Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid was always pruning? Yeah, like this one. It takes lots of work and care to shape one of those into a beautiful little tree.

The same is true in leadership, both our self leadership and in leading others.

In leading ourselves, we can prune off old, dead parts that are not growing. Conversely, we may need to prune back something that is dominating our personality landscape so a complimentary part can grow.

When we lead others, pruning can be even more difficult as we try to shape others into our organization. And this type of pruning is an even more vital skill which often requires finesse. Note I say often, not always. There are times where you might need to cut something way back to give an opportunity for new growth. I had a lilac bush once that I was supposed to trim back because it was hanging over the porch and and grown above the window. Well, I kept trying to cut a little here, shape a little there and before I knew it, I had cut that thing almost to the ground. It looked horrible. To this day, when I say I am going out to trim the bushes, my wife gets a little nervous. The next spring, however, that lilac came back as strong as before and within a season or two, it was in full bloom again.

People, however, tend to be less like bushes and more like trees. If you cut a tree too far back, it will never grow again. But with that caution, people, just like plants, need to be pruned.

So let’s start pruning, first ourselves, then others.

You’ll be glad you did.

Want some pruning help? Call or email a fellow gardener (I do mean me, of course).

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

www.drjeffvanmeter.com

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Perhaps that is stating it strongly, but if you lead something, you know I am right.

This picture was taken moments ago in my back yard. All these tall leafy plants with buds on the top getting ready to bloom. Or so the non-gardener in me hoped.

You see, flower gardening is more difficult than vegetable gardening. In vegetable gardening, if anything is growing where you didn’t plant it, it can be removed quickly. Or if it doesn’t look exactly like the plants you planted.

But flowers and blooming plants are more sneaky, because some things that look good at the start are weeds in disguise.Oh, and some stuff you think are weeds are actually flowers.

Close to five years ago, my family moved into a cute little house near the downtown area of our town. One of the things we love about this house is that the previous owner was an avid gardener, of the English Victory Garden variety. And she clearly knew her stuff. The entire back yard is filled with perennials, flowering shrubs, blooming trees and other plants all around a small but highly manicured lawn. It is a wonderful oasis that starts blooming in late February or early March and doesn’t stop until late September, when the decorative grasses continue until the first heavy frost.

That first year it was so fun to see what colors and such would be appearing all year. We even had someone come in to tell us how to care for each type of plant.

Then reality set in.

Years 2 – 5 have seen this beautiful oasis slowly change. And not in a good way.

Yes, the flowers and shrubs and trees all bloom when they are supposed to. And yes, it is still an oasis and is beautiful. But some of those plants have gotten out of control. They are bigger and seem to be taking over more than their allotted territory. And, as in the picture, some other things have grown up that weren’t there before. Every year, I start out strong, but as summer and things come in, parts get out of control, until suddenly you have a huge problem on your hands that can no longer be ignored (oh and that manicured lawn? not so much anymore :-().

So you start pulling the bad stuff out.
There are some problems with waiting though. For example, you are missing out on the better stuff that the weeds are hiding. Here is a picture after 10 minutes of pulling those big stalks out.

And the plants are losing out on nutrition and water they need to grow to their fullest.

And when you weed when the weeds are big, they are usually harder to remove and can cause damage to other plants when you are removing them.

And weeds also hide other weeds. When pulling these honkers out, I found several other variety of weeds that were hiding down in there.

So much so that the good plants start to wonder if you even know what you are doing and what took you so long to see the problem (ok, thats really the good people in your organization, but you know what I’m driving at here).

Ok. One more parallel here and I’ll let you go. Most people do not enjoy weeding. It can be hot, tedious and make your back sore. But either you have to do it, or hire someone to do it for you. One cautionary note though. When you hire someone to do it for you, they are less invested in your healthy plants and decide it is easier to take some of those out too rather than weed around them.

However, bringing a master gardener in to show you which ones are the weeds and which are the good plants can make a lot of sense. Plus he can lend a hand with some of the toughest weeds. So call a master gardener at the number or email below and start clearing the weeds (I am much better at real people than plants!).

Integritas,

Dr. Jeff

815-277-9033

questions@drjeffvanmeter.com

www.www.humanleader.com

www.drjeffvanmeter.com

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